Thursday, February 23, 2012

Things are starting to change now and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a life without him. In just a month, I wont be living in LA. I won't be in my home. I'll have a new roommate. My routine is gonna be way different. I know it's healthier for me and most definitely will help me to move on. Still I can't help but think that I'll regret it. I suppose I'm just holding on to the past. I can't deny that I love him so much, and that I'll miss him. But things have to change..
This past week without him, I was doing well. It was strange not living with him and feeling like it was ok to act single. My anger towards him helped me get through it. I wasn't doing anything wrong but I still felt guilty. I understand that I love him and it feels wrong for the time being. I just don't understand how I can feel that way now, but he didn't feel that way when he was doing everything he did to me.
I always feel so conflicted. I'll never forget, it pains me everyday. Its awful to hear someone tell you that they will always love you and they need you, when you feel deep down it's a lie. He was always good with his words. I fell for every heartfelt thing he ever told me when we were together. So now I just can't get myself to believe anything. The past two months, I was basically screaming for attention.. his attention. I was hurt by everything he had done, but it hurt even more when I told him what I needed to keep us going, and he ignored it with every bone in his body. He took me for granted. He didn't let me know I was important to him in anyway. I KNOW that this is what really broke us in the end. It's strange, that now when I was the one ignoring him, he was the one telling me that I didn't love him. WHY NOW?! Why abandon me then?! Now it's too late. Now I've accepted that were not going to be together and I'm trying to move on. Is he trying to interfere with that, because he doesn't want anyone to want me? Because he wants me to be miserable forever? I dont get it??


Thursday, February 16, 2012

So I haven't written in 6 days.
I've just been going through the motions for those past 6 days. I guess it's probably been harder for me, because we still lived together. The fact that he was in the other room, made me just want to be near him. I've always just wanted to be in his heart. He used to always say that he cared about me and loved me wayyy more than I did. I would always answer "impossible." You know what?! I was right, it was impossible! His heart was never in it! When everything went down, I told him all the things I needed and my thoughts on how we needed to change. He ignored ALL of it and did the opposite, with no regard of how it would affect me. I guess no matter how many times I can say it, it doesn't matter if the other person isn't in it too. When Valentines day rolled around, it was really devastating. He had slept with me the day before and then went to work. I didn't expect any gifts or anything, but I did expect him to express something to me.After 3 and 1/2 years together, he had nothing to express. Its a commercialized day to celebrate those you love. Oh he showed me how much he loved me alright. When I asked him if he was coming home and if he wanted to hang out together, he said it doesn't matter... so i went out. I could feel he didn't want to be with me. He didn't return home that night till 6am. He was just using me. Im tired of being taken advantage of, of being taken for granted and being treated this way. He has showed me that what he has been doing is far more important than me and our relationship. After a long struggle, he has taken most of his things and left, well at least I think. When I came home to the apartment, I felt a relief, I would no longer have to subject myself to wanting to be close to him. I already feel a little better having him gone.

More thoughts..

Friday, February 10, 2012

The only thing that was holding us together was our Love.
We have so many issues, its unbelievable. We don't have the same idea for our futures, we don't live the same lifestyles, we value different things.. the list is never ending.
I asked him if he really believed we could pull through all of this. He said, it was a long shot but that he believed in our love. What a bunch of crap..  He used the idea of our love to manipulate me. He was taking advantage of being close to me without having to be my boyfriend. He has always taken advantage of me. I was always just there for his convenience. When it came to my needs, he was always MIA.We've been going through such a rough time. All I wanted was for it to get better. If you were going through something of this magnitude, wouldn't you want to try and resolve as much as you could, as fast as you could? Wouldn't you devote all your time and efforts? He has done nothing. He will do nothing. I just don't understand what I'm doing! Why do I keep falling for his lies? All this time, I thought he was a genuine person. All this time I devoted my love to him, and for what? To find out that when he says he wants try and work it out, what he really is saying, is stick around till I find a new girl. If you want to fuck around, do it. Dont be a fucking coward. He always has an excuse for everthing that is clear cut. If you wrote a girl: "hey here is my number, I think we should hang out sometime".. doesn't that mean what u say??? If you tell your friend that you need whores, and that your looking for hoes to bring to his crib, doesnt that mean what you say?? If you say you stayed up all night and omit that you actually went to the strip club, is that honest? Im confused, how does that not mean exactly what it means?
Yea this guy is a piece of work. Its actually pretty pathetic.

just some thoughts..

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

We talked but got nowhere. 
The more and more I think about it, the more I feel as though its better if we just move on. Despite all the lies and deception, my main concern is that he doesn't value me and our relationship. I'm not a priority in his life. Throughout our relationship, I've somewhat always felt this way, but now more than ever. If our relationship was important, he'd make more time for it. 
I deleted the post "it's over", I realized I let an anonymous comment get to me. I let my emotions get the best of me for that one. Although I was upset, perhaps the person was right about the fact that he will always be in love with the Hollywood lifestyle. The partying, drinking and drugs will be a part of his life for a long while, and I don't think he can see that one day it will fade and what will he have to show for all of it. He isn't ready to commit to someone wholeheartedly and that is obvious. He would always say that he wasn't ready to get married and settle down. At 27, a real man would be getting his life in order, not just floating by. I honestly wanted him to want to marry me, probably a foolish thought. I don't see myself marrying him anymore. I used to think that we were gonna be together forever. I had names picked out for our kids and everything. When I think of marriage, I think FOREVER. I never want a divorce, so for me to say that I wanted to marry him, is a big deal. Now I feel as though that thought is shattered.
From the day I met him, I can't think of a moment when I've been swept off my feet. Is that bad? He never surprises me or takes me out unless its an occasion. There is no spontaneity, no thoughtfulness. I know I love him and that we are comfortable with one another, but don't you need some of that sparkle? I can't deny that I thought our connection alone was magical. He did give me butterflies and just being close to him would make me happy. I always want him to be close to me. We had something, or at least i thought we did. I guess who needs to define anything by what someone does for you. But i also think that I needed some of that, to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. I believe in grand gestures and unconditional love. It may not be a fairy tale in real life, but you make your own magic. 

I like instagram

Monday, February 6, 2012

Newport beach Feb 4th, 2012

The pool last saturday..
I like instagram, it makes my pictures pretty <3
This just makes me wanna keep taking pictures! 
I need a full time photographer haha

Pics taken by Jessica Jung
Instagramed by myself :P


WOW I haven't written anything in quite a few days...
I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to be feeling right now. I feel so confused. This past week, he stopped speaking to me and pretty much avoided me and it really pushed me to think that it was over. We've talked a little, nothing has been resolved, but at least we're talking now. The reality is that after everything , I'm not sure we can ever make it back. I'm not even sure if I want to get back to where we were. The relationship we had, although it might have seemed great, was in fact lacking. Reflecting on it now, I'm not sure if I want that kind of relationship. SOOOOO much has got to change, if we want to try to make it work. I want to figure this out NOW, because I can't keep going back and forth. As a result, I keep going through a new break up over and over and its more painful each time. Either we're going to decide to make it right and things are going to change drastically or we're going to get the fuck out of each others lives.
Hayley Larue Design