I think I'm crazy.

Friday, January 27, 2012

So yesterday, I pretty much embarrassed myself. I texted him all day. It was like my mind could only think about him. I went from angry to sad, from angry to sad,over and over again. I blew up his phone with all my thoughts. I think he thinks I'm crazy. I think I'm going crazy. Its hard to let someone go, let alone someone you thought you'd be with forever! still after everything I told him, I feel like he just doesn't care. Someone asked me if he fought for me..customarily you fight for what you want right!? well, he didn't and I guess that means he doesn't want me. When you love someone, you do everything in your power to make them better when their hurt..after what he did to me, I don't think I believe he did everything in his power.Maybe I'm crazy but it just seems as though he's ready to leave...I guess maybe he was always ready. I guess guys are different, but love speaks for all......his love isn't speaking. Yesterday, i cried hysterically pretty much all day long. Despite everything all I wanted was for him to just find me and hug me really tight. I don't know how things are going to play out but I'm just going to concentrate on me. Today I've had a little bit of progress hah.. Brazilian wax, lunch at a cool spot with lots of eye candy, and then off to work.

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Angry as usual.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Im in an angry stage. One moment Im sad and thinking am I doing the right thing and the next Im all Fuck this. My head knows Im doing the right thing, but my heart is fucking weak. 

WTF is wrong with me? why do I want that guy. there is nothing good about him?! He hurts me, He doesn't care or love me, he doesn't spend time with me, he takes me for granted and doesn't treat me right. EVERYTHING is put before me. 
I need a distraction and I think I should just get one. If someone else is smitten over me, maybe i'll be able to see what I deserve.

I hurt inside.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I've heard so many opinions about what I should do.. I didn't care about what anyone thought. I needed to know for myself that I was doing the right thing for me.
I thought I could eventually get past this heartache and just be happy. I had an occasional happy moment or day with him, but for the most part its not getting much better. I just don't trust him. Someone told me that for the relationship to work, I have to let it go and not look back. I just don't see how anyone can do that. It's too hurtful and damaging to just forget.
Whenever I bring up the issue, he's too tired to talk about it, and asks why am I still bringing it up. I don't get how he could expect me to just act like it didn't happen. FUCK I'm hurting! I find myself trying to monitor everything. I wonder if while I'm gone there are girls in our apartment. I wonder if when he's out he's texting girls or hanging out with them. How can he not understand that HE DID THIS TO ME.
I know that my constant interrogation is nuts. He tells me he's not doing anything wrong but what credibility does he have? I don't want to make him miserable. I tried not to think about it, but its nearly impossible. I always come to the conclusion that he doesn't truly care about me and love me. He's so selfish and immature. He never thought of us as one, it was always him and then me. He would always say we have our separate lives and then our life together. We'll I get what that means now!!! I'm so disgusted and to make things worse, he's in the wrong but he makes me feel bad about it. He makes me feel like I'm not making him happy. Well FUCK THAT. I deserve better, I'm a fucking damn good girlfriend. It's gonna be tough to try and get past this, especially seeing how we live together, but I know that in time ( a lot of time ) he'll be completely out of my thoughts and someone new will love me and love me right. 

New York Minute..

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

More pics from New York...

Times Square- January 2012

I love this one! It captured the saying on the billboard unintentionally. It was sending me a message. 
"2012 is the year for action."
That little dot behind me, well thats the Statue of Liberty haha.
Street art.
Partial view from the Empire State Building.
Night out... My sissy and I @ Bar Basque
9/11 Memorial. I hadn't seen it since it was ground zero. It truly is a beautiful commemoration.
Love you..

[ Most photos taken by Jessica Jung, others by myself.]

A walk in the park.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Here are some pics from my New Yoorkkkk Trip!!!!
Central Park- January 2012
I think Central Park was probably one of my favs in NYC. Too bad it was so fucking cold. 
It's really beautiful and peaceful. This park is enormous! Definitely a good place to think!

I LOVE the TREES!!!!

[All photos taken by Jessica Jung.] 

A sucker for him.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's been a rough few days. After my last post, I almost gave up or rather it appeared that HE wanted to give up. Another night of crying, another apology and I'm back to where I was... CLUELESS. I'm such a sucker for him. All he has to do is hug me and I feel better for that moment. I know I let him get away with murder and he knows he can get away with it too. I just can't do that anymore because he'll just keep hurting me. When will I learn?! I'm always the one getting hurt in this relationship. He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions or how they affect me. I hope now things will start to change.. I need things to change. I need to stop feeling like a suspicious, jealous girlfriend. I hate that girl. I never was that girl till now.  I'm always struggling with my thoughts and I fear that this is the way it's always gonna be for me.When we're together, I'm not such a basket case, because I know what he's doing. He can hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me enough to feel safe. On the other hand, when were apart, I feel so much uneasiness. Being apart gives me anxiety and I completely go to a negative place. I reflect on everything and a lot of the time my thoughts lean towards the idea that being apart is best for me. In a sense, I believe maybe in those moments I have more levelheaded thoughts about whats truly right for me. But then when I see him, I'm all confused again. I know I love him but is that enough. I've always been aware that my boyfriend and I are two different people and that we like different things. We don't have much in common really. We live very different lifestyles. We have different morals and beliefs. This alone should be a sign that perhaps were not fit for one another. I mention it to him all the time and he always looks at me and says: "we balance each other babe, we may be two different people, but we're two people in love and that's what matters."Is it what matters?

Today it's hard to be positive.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I just want my life back. All I did today was think. I can't stop thinking about why he did this to me. All he can say to me is " your never going to get past this, I don't know what you want me to do.." Frankly I don't know what he can do. Still, I feel as though he isn't sorry or hurting. Im hurting so bad and he fucking gets no pain, no suffering, no punishment. What kind of shit is this.  

Before I met my boyfriend, I was exceptionally free spirited. I do admit he made me happy once, but at this moment my thoughts about him are very clouded. I can't see any of the good. If you were to examine my relationships, you'd find that as soon as I brake up with one, I jump right into the next. I cant say that any of my past boyfriends were truly what I wanted. I always settled. I recognize now that I just wanted someone to care about me. Doesn't everyone though? I wonder if I'm sticking around because I just cant bear to be alone? Although I already feel alone.. 
I'm alone right now in fact. I'm back from work and he's out. He's always going out without me. I know that I don't care to do some of the things he's doing but I wish he'd want to take ME out. Maybe I'm just jealous that he has so many friends to go out with all the time and I really don't have many friends. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. I deserve to be taken out and spoiled and that's one thing I can say that my boyfriend doesn't know how to do. 

...Back and Forth

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I've just returned from New York City, where I had some time to reflect on my relationship. I honestly felt uneasy about being away from my boyfriend for the short 4 days I was gone. Most of the time, I found myself thinking about what he was doing and it definitely made it hard for me to enjoy myself. The constant thought that he was with another girl or even just the recapitulating of all the events that got us here, drove me fucking mad. The mere fact that we were apart also made it difficult. I realize I cant monitor his every move and I'll never know exactly everything he does; I just want to know if I'll be able to trust him again?! I kept asking myself if I could really live this way. I didn't come up with any answers.

One thing I just don't understand is, if a man supposedly loves you more than anything in the world and makes it a point to say that your "the one," how can he have sexual conversations with women online, hide pictures of himself with other women, tell other women that they are sexy, and hang out with other women behind your back. Even if this isn't physically cheating, it's disloyal and disgusting. Whenever I think about it, I just can't imagine his love for me to be true. This all sounds bad, and it truly is but WHY do I now believe him when he says it was harmless and that he does love me. WHY should I believe anything. I'm so confused.

A new year. A fresh start?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I've decided to take up blogging. My life is in shambles and perhaps this could prove to be therapeutic. I kicked off my new year with a break up. I've never experienced so much pain in my whole life. I literally shutdown for over a week. I wasn't eating, sleeping, breathing..just crying my brains out! I know I'm only 25 years old and yada yada yada but I truly thought this would be the man I would marry. It's a long complicated story, but needless to say it was a betrayal. Seems like everyone I know has been through something similar and all the consoling just made me more sick. How can people do this to the ones they supposedly love? 
I feel like my generation doesn't know LOVE. It's too caught up with "being cool", selfishness and temptation. I feel as though my generation has bad morals. I find myself wondering if Love truly conquers all, because I sure as hell am suffering. 
Despite it all, I know that the love I felt was consuming and real and I don't know if I can just abandon it. Now I'm reevaluating my life. I love him so much and maybe its foolish to try to work things out but I have to know that I tried my hardest to make this relationship work or I'll regret it.
Hayley Larue Design