Today it's hard to be positive.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I just want my life back. All I did today was think. I can't stop thinking about why he did this to me. All he can say to me is " your never going to get past this, I don't know what you want me to do.." Frankly I don't know what he can do. Still, I feel as though he isn't sorry or hurting. Im hurting so bad and he fucking gets no pain, no suffering, no punishment. What kind of shit is this.  

Before I met my boyfriend, I was exceptionally free spirited. I do admit he made me happy once, but at this moment my thoughts about him are very clouded. I can't see any of the good. If you were to examine my relationships, you'd find that as soon as I brake up with one, I jump right into the next. I cant say that any of my past boyfriends were truly what I wanted. I always settled. I recognize now that I just wanted someone to care about me. Doesn't everyone though? I wonder if I'm sticking around because I just cant bear to be alone? Although I already feel alone.. 
I'm alone right now in fact. I'm back from work and he's out. He's always going out without me. I know that I don't care to do some of the things he's doing but I wish he'd want to take ME out. Maybe I'm just jealous that he has so many friends to go out with all the time and I really don't have many friends. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. I deserve to be taken out and spoiled and that's one thing I can say that my boyfriend doesn't know how to do. 


  1. Wow!! I feel like you're one of the few peopleI know that feels how I feel. I hate that my mind cant turn off from the thought of things either. Its hard to just try and flip a switch off, 'cause the heart doesnt work like that. It seems there isnt any pain or hurt from the other side as well.

    I understand the feeling of feeling alone and not wanting an absence with that void could be filled. You just gotta take time to self and find out who you truly are to be loved, so you understand the reflection of that feeling back to you!

    1. Like they say, you may be able to forgive but you can't forget. Im sorry your going through something similar. I would never wish this feeling upon anyone. I totally get what your saying when you say "the heart doesn't work like that." My heart is aching, my mind is racing and I just don't know how it's gonna get better.

  2. I know how you feels in regards if not wanting to be alone...I haven't been single for the past 4 years.. one after it because i dont want to be alone? or its really just my luck I keep falling for one after another...sometimes I really do wonder how does it feel to be single..maybe thats what we need?... Why stick around with him if thats how he makes you feel..I think you deserve a break,.. if not a total break up atleast a break where you have time to think alone or even spend some alone time with yourself to find some answers...sometimes it helps! :)

  3. If you keep seeing him he will just keep reminding you of his negativity...even if he does change you wont see it cause your mind is so cluster into what he did WRONG....sometimes..everything will make sense within time....

  4. Whenever life gives you lemons, just make lemonade. :)

  5. @ Who Was I to Know, My boyfriend doesn't believe in breaks. In a way neither do I. If somethings not right, you have to try to work it out not run away. I sorta did take some time for myself in going to NYC. It just made me more crazy in this situation. As far as being single, I'm not looking to act single when Im in a relationship. Although if this relationship doesn't work out I'm definitely not jumping into anything new. I'll probably be single for a long while.

    @ ByRunVicta, what does that saying even mean... I don't want a lemon, who does! I don't think you can make something sweet out of something sour. People do have the ability to change, but you cant change them, they have to do it themselves. Making the best of it, sometimes doesn't cut it.

  6. I will have to disagree... Sweet & Sour sauce is pretty delish!

    I didn't necessarily mean to suggest that you make the best out of the situtation that you're in but, if you're presented with something that isn't working in your favor, all you can probably do is just move forward to Plan B, or C, or even Z.

    And if you actually do reach Plan Z, only to find out that it fails...

    "If you're stressed, it's probably because you're not taking time to enjoy yourself! Stressed spelled backwards is desserts"


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