I feel like a stupid girl.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Soooooo maybe I over reacted a little...
What I previously wrote was truly how I felt in the moment. I've gone through so much this entire year, its been such a roller coaster. I can't even believe the things I felt this year.
I tried to walk away. I tried and yet here I am back to square one.
Im just not ready to give up. No matter how much I tell myself, convince myself, push myself away, I know I don't want to.
After those three weeks of not talking to him... he told me that he understood that THIS time, he knew he was going to lose me.  He has told me that he'll do anything to get me back, that he knows that this is what he wants. It's exactly what I want to hear.. but its also what I've heard over a million times. Its always good for a few weeks and then everything turns to shit again. Im afraid that thats exactly what i've put myself through again this time around. The past two weeks we've spent a lot of time together and I am happy. He has asked me to be his girlfriend again, but I have not agreed. I know that Im happier when were together, but I am also fearful of what that label brings. The label makes it real.
I know that I shouldn't care what others think and if this is what I'm going to do, I shouldn't do it half ass. I'm just tired of being fooled, and I want to trust that it will turn out ok, but frankly I don't. Is it weird that I still want to be with him, despite all the pain and hurt he has caused me? I feel so dumb.

His new skank girlfriend...

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I don't even know how to blog about this, but I need to get it off my chest. I wanted to scream yesterday; I wanted to throw shit and brake stuff, but all I did was cry. Everytime I thought about it, I began to cry. It was a rough day for me. So my ex continues to tell me that nothing is going on between him and this girl. At first, I went along with his story. She posted a pic of her kissing him on the cheek. The body language didn't exactly say friendship, but I let it go for the most part. I've told him repetitively about the consequences and how people perceive photos like that. For gods sake, it was an issue and part of the reason we broke up in the first place! Now there are like 7 pics of them together in her instagram. My friends have seen the photos and have made judgements of their own. No one posts pics with a dude that many times, in this short of a period, unless its your boyfriend or someone you obviously really like. We're not together and its totally fine to date someone new, but don't tell me its nothing and that you want more than anything for us to be together. Asking for another chance, telling me that he'll do anything, that he'll change, is a bunch of bullshit. You would not believe how many times I've heard it! Im sick of all the lies! Frankly I don't believe its nothing. I don't trust his word and I'm not sure I ever will again. I feel disgusted because in my heart, I think he sees me as dumb. I think he thinks I'll always be there, that I'm too weak to leave and he can do whatever he wants. Maybe he's right? I've been fooled by him the entire time I've known him and I continually let him hurt me. What reason do I have to believe anything he tells me? He has completely shattered all the trust!  WHY!!!! WHY do I do this to myself? I think its my love that gets me through it, but there isnt much of that left these days...  It saddens me, to hear him tell me how his love for me is true love. How can true love be THIS?!

I've cried everyday this week...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I still ended up putting myself through it...
Some part of me was STILL holding onto the notion that things were actually going to get better.
I kept thinking that the effort he was making was a good place to start.
Everytime he told me he wouldnt give up on us, everytime he held me, I felt better.. It's what kept me there. After everything I've put myself through, after all the time that has past, I'm hurting just as I did in the beginning of it all. I have not let myself move on. I understand that people go back and forth all the time, that it takes time.. I get it.. I just have so much sadness and anger building up inside me.
What I feel is ugly. I dont even know how to describe it. I almost hate myself for loving him. Im disgusted that I do. I regret even letting him back into my life the slightest bit after I found out everything he did before. I feel fooled. I feel like the love I was given was cheap. I feel everything I felt all over again. The decisions he has made over the past month, have repulsed me. He has steered me further away from  trusting him, from loving him.. He has showed me exactly what I'm worth to him.
He told me he was tired of fighting and all the drama. So I just stopped talking. My words never got me anywhere. My words, my feelings were never heard.
Im tired too. Im tired of being disappointed. Im tired of getting hurt over and over again.
I used to drive myself crazy thinking about what he was doing and who he was with, and why he did what he did. Now I've come to see that I don't need to think. I know in my heart that what I think is probably true. When people ask me why we broke up, I used to steer clear of saying he cheated on me, I would avoid the answer. I didn't want them to think badly of him. Now Im ready to just accept that he is a cheat. Regardless of who he cheated on me with or if he even did then, he cheated my heart. There is no possible way that someone who loved me, the way I loved them, someone who wanted to prove to me that I could trust them, would choose to do the very things that upset me and drive me away.
You make sacrifices for those you love and those sacrifices are worth everything in the end.
Hayley Larue Design