A sucker for him.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's been a rough few days. After my last post, I almost gave up or rather it appeared that HE wanted to give up. Another night of crying, another apology and I'm back to where I was... CLUELESS. I'm such a sucker for him. All he has to do is hug me and I feel better for that moment. I know I let him get away with murder and he knows he can get away with it too. I just can't do that anymore because he'll just keep hurting me. When will I learn?! I'm always the one getting hurt in this relationship. He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions or how they affect me. I hope now things will start to change.. I need things to change. I need to stop feeling like a suspicious, jealous girlfriend. I hate that girl. I never was that girl till now.  I'm always struggling with my thoughts and I fear that this is the way it's always gonna be for me.When we're together, I'm not such a basket case, because I know what he's doing. He can hug me and kiss me and tell me he loves me enough to feel safe. On the other hand, when were apart, I feel so much uneasiness. Being apart gives me anxiety and I completely go to a negative place. I reflect on everything and a lot of the time my thoughts lean towards the idea that being apart is best for me. In a sense, I believe maybe in those moments I have more levelheaded thoughts about whats truly right for me. But then when I see him, I'm all confused again. I know I love him but is that enough. I've always been aware that my boyfriend and I are two different people and that we like different things. We don't have much in common really. We live very different lifestyles. We have different morals and beliefs. This alone should be a sign that perhaps were not fit for one another. I mention it to him all the time and he always looks at me and says: "we balance each other babe, we may be two different people, but we're two people in love and that's what matters."Is it what matters?


  1. hi Rachel, I was reading through your blog and happen to stumble upon this... I never really thought there was someone out there that felt the exact same way I do. I'm currently in this relationship and everything you said is exactly to the tee off how I feel. it's crazy what people do to you. I don't know what to do at the moment... it's pretty bad and same as you, my friends tell me to leave and so on, but it's hard. but reading this has made some sense. thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and feelings. keep up the good work!

    1. Hi.
      I wrote this back in January of 2012 and after re-reading it, how far i've come is really put into view. It just proves that time really does heal. I would never wish that feeling upon anyone and Im sorry that your going through something similar. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to lend an ear. Im glad my blog posts were able to help you in some way. XO


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