Today someone that I hadn't seen for quite sometime asked me how I was doing. It rattled me inside. I responded with the same ol' generic response.. "good.. I'm well,"even though lately, I've become more aware of my life and it's discontent. Over the past week, I have been thinking about my future. I need to figure out what it is I want. I need to stop being scared of rejection in the "big world" and seek out some other job. Waitressing is good money, and I'm most likely making more money than most fresh out of college grads, but I cant let myself get trapped in this. How can it be that at the age of 26, I still don't know what I want to do in life. I've become less and less passionate about my artwork and dance... I feel like I'm spiraling downward. I need to focus on the things I enjoy.

Apart from being dissatisfied with my career and my recent lack of motivation, I've also thought about my relationship with Gabriel. Even till this day, after all the months that have past, I still almost cry every time someone asks me about why we even broke up in the first place, not to mention that I don't even know how to respond to that question. Things with Gabriel have been good. I'm happy when we spend time together, we have been having a lot of fun lately. Things have gradually begun to improve in our relationship. I still am concerned about my feelings of distrust, but I am steadily  thinking about it less and less. I find that I focus more and more on how he acts towards me in regards to me doing things without him.  In that concern, I feel that he is still possessive and has not accepted that some things in those respects have changed. This is an issue I fear we will have difficulty overcoming. I'm definitely more careful with my heart this time around. Regardless, Im thinking positively about us and trying to move forward. I'm becoming more of a believer in second chances, and I hope that he continues to make me a believer. 

I feel like a stupid girl.

Soooooo maybe I over reacted a little...
What I previously wrote was truly how I felt in the moment. I've gone through so much this entire year, its been such a roller coaster. I can't even believe the things I felt this year.
I tried to walk away. I tried and yet here I am back to square one.
Im just not ready to give up. No matter how much I tell myself, convince myself, push myself away, I know I don't want to.
After those three weeks of not talking to him... he told me that he understood that THIS time, he knew he was going to lose me.  He has told me that he'll do anything to get me back, that he knows that this is what he wants. It's exactly what I want to hear.. but its also what I've heard over a million times. Its always good for a few weeks and then everything turns to shit again. Im afraid that thats exactly what i've put myself through again this time around. The past two weeks we've spent a lot of time together and I am happy. He has asked me to be his girlfriend again, but I have not agreed. I know that Im happier when were together, but I am also fearful of what that label brings. The label makes it real.
I know that I shouldn't care what others think and if this is what I'm going to do, I shouldn't do it half ass. I'm just tired of being fooled, and I want to trust that it will turn out ok, but frankly I don't. Is it weird that I still want to be with him, despite all the pain and hurt he has caused me? I feel so dumb.