Haven't blogged for a month!!!!!!!!
I guess I just felt like I had the same stuff to say all the time. I was always angry. Things have somewhat changed; the biggest change being my move back to OC. I'm gonna miss LA a lot, but I suppose I'll still hang out in LA often. I had a lot of anxiety as the move got closer, I was scared that living so far from LA and Gabriel was wrong for me. Even though, I wanted a fresh start, I didn't want to let go of Gabriel and I. However Gabriel and I, are on better terms... We are able to talk and not hate each other, which is somewhat good. I don't forgive him. I can't get past it, even when I focus on the future, I still get caught up and hurt by everything that happened. Still at the thought of it all, I get really emotional and cry. I don't know if things will get better between us, but I suppose it's best to focus on myself. I knew what I didn't like and what I needed and I'm not going to ask for it. I'm not an option, I'm a priority! I'm tired of getting disappointed, I deserve someone who wants to make me happy and shows me what I mean to them.
Anyways, heres to new beginnings! XOXO

Change.

Things are starting to change now and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of a life without him. In just a month, I wont be living in LA. I won't be in my home. I'll have a new roommate. My routine is gonna be way different. I know it's healthier for me and most definitely will help me to move on. Still I can't help but think that I'll regret it. I suppose I'm just holding on to the past. I can't deny that I love him so much, and that I'll miss him. But things have to change..
This past week without him, I was doing well. It was strange not living with him and feeling like it was ok to act single. My anger towards him helped me get through it. I wasn't doing anything wrong but I still felt guilty. I understand that I love him and it feels wrong for the time being. I just don't understand how I can feel that way now, but he didn't feel that way when he was doing everything he did to me.
I always feel so conflicted. I'll never forget, it pains me everyday. Its awful to hear someone tell you that they will always love you and they need you, when you feel deep down it's a lie. He was always good with his words. I fell for every heartfelt thing he ever told me when we were together. So now I just can't get myself to believe anything. The past two months, I was basically screaming for attention.. his attention. I was hurt by everything he had done, but it hurt even more when I told him what I needed to keep us going, and he ignored it with every bone in his body. He took me for granted. He didn't let me know I was important to him in anyway. I KNOW that this is what really broke us in the end. It's strange, that now when I was the one ignoring him, he was the one telling me that I didn't love him. WHY NOW?! Why abandon me then?! Now it's too late. Now I've accepted that were not going to be together and I'm trying to move on. Is he trying to interfere with that, because he doesn't want anyone to want me? Because he wants me to be miserable forever? I dont get it??